Any musician who has been on the road long enough knows first hand what the expression "there is one in every crowd" means. No matter how many successful shows you've had, or CD's you've sold, or positive reviews you've received from fans, family and press, there is always going to be someone in the audience who feels that is their civic duty to belittle your act. These people are called "hecklers" and can be found in musical venues across the nation.

I'm sure that few will disagree with me when I say that some of the most dangerous subjects of conversation in the modern world involve politics, religion and economics. Friends can be made or lost in conversations that involve these subjects. I say that there is another topic that is capable of stirring large amounts of passion. The topic of music has enough inheirant potential friction to generate instant flash-fire-debates among longtime friends. It seems that everyone has an opinion of what "real" music is. People have killed to listen to music, fans have been trampled to death at rock concerts, composers have been sentenced to death for creating tunes that offended the wrong people.

Luckily for us musicians, death at the hands of another due to conflicting musical tastes doesn't happen as often as it used to. Today, if someone doesn't like what they are hearing, they simply switch to a different radio station, pop in their favorite CD, or leave the room. I'm sure that everyone reading this column has witnessed a "radio war" at least once in their lives. That's when two or more people attempt to increase the volume on their stereo louder than the guy next door in the hopes of drowning out their crappy music selections. Usually these skirmishes occur between siblings or other people in your college dormitory.

Hecklers are walking-taliking radio warriors. At the AMN CD release party my wife and I struck up a conversation with Voodoo 101's drummer, mark LeMaster. He told us that once, a lady came into the bar during a gig at the Stardust Lounge in Chiliicothe and asked if the band knew "Freebird" or that "Fuck Me Like An Animal" song. Trent Reznor would be proud to know that the Skynnard crowd is into NIN. Anyhow, He told the lady that they didn't do Skynnard and that they didn't now that animal song. The heckler replied "then you ain't no real band then, ain't you." Ahh, the double and triple negative. A lesser known literary device used by hecklers everywhere.

Mark's story got me thinking about Hecklers. Just like the many drinks hecklers have chosen to inundate their bodies with has brought out the worst in them. Hecklers can also bring out the best and worst in musicians. How you handle them can reveal a lot about your character. The day before my conversation with Voodoo 101's drummer, Some person I've never met before, hops on to the stage in the middle of a performance by Bryan Gibson, Dan Dreifort and Carrie Elkin. He just helped himself to the congas that Bryan was playing at the time. I caught the scene of film, but didn't do anything about it. Bryan managed to get him off the stage somehow and Dan told the crowd, "now that was an Athens Moment." All in all, they did a great job of handling the event.

Heckler 1: The guy on the left decided to help himself to the congas in the middle of a set. Know one knew who this guy was.

On Saturday the 24th of June, night two of the AMN CD Release Party, not even an hour after my conversation with Mark from Voodoo 101, the Stepford 5 was put to the test. Some girl, blond, drunk to the point of stumbling, took it upon herself to grab the microphone away from Stepford 5 lead singer, Keith Jenkins, in the middle of a song. I couldn't believe what was happening in front of my eyes. What did this girl think she was doing? Still, instead of stopping the song, the band played on and Keith moved to the bass players microphone without missing a word. I was totally impressed by his professionalism, it says a lot about TS5 as a band. The sound man also did a fantastic job of coping with the situation.

Heckler 2: This girl decided to play soundman for the night and rearrange the singer's microphone.

The microphone was put back in place by a girlfriend of one of the band members. Moments later "drunk girl" grabbed the microphone again. This time knocking the lead singer in the mouth. They band kept playing. Keith kept singing. But I had had enough. I grabbed the lady by the arm and threw her out of Mama Einstein's, which was way beyond my bounds since I was neither an employee of the bar, or a manager of the band. Brad, the manager of the Swindlefish and Mama E's told me never to touch a customer in one of his bars again. He's absolutely right, I shouldn't have done it. Unfortunately, "drunk girl" had managed to bring out the worst in me. Instead of coaxing her away from the band with a beer, or cigarette, or some other means. I resorted to physical force to remedy the situation. Still, I had to wonder why the two managers in the bar that night failed lift a finger to stop her from grabbing the microphone--twice over a 60 second period. When you think about it, the managers' reactions to that girl says a lot them as well.

No matter how much we wish it, hecklers, like cockroaches, will never be totally eradicated from the face of the earth. If the world should end tomorrow in a cataclysmic nuclear hellfire, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and hecklers (...and possibly music e-zine webmasters.)