Using
Technology to Save Local Musicby David J. Riesbeck - 8/1/2000
All of the problems faced by local musicians these days -- too few fans, shitty sound equipment and sound personnel, Sean Jones, and hippies -- can be easily solved by the informed and creative use of technology. Technology is a wonderful thing, you know; so wonderful that it's probably going to be one of the biggest money-making industries in America for a long while. The sheer number of people throwing their hard-earned dollars into technology should tell you something. It's the solution for everything, including all of the woes of the local musician.
The biggest problem around here, it seems, is the fans. There's just not enough people interested in live music. The ones who are interested just want to see hippy jam bands like Guest, Peach Melba, and all the other pot-smoking, dreadlock-wearing wankers that play at the Swindlefish. In order to effectively take over the local music scene, aspiring bands must not only find their own fan base, but also destroy the fans of the Evil Ones.
Taking care of the evil hippies is probably the simplest matter of all. Compared with the other bits of technology and knowledge contained here, this problem requires the least skill and the least bit of cutting-edge technology. In fact, the solution is at least 15 years old. All one needs to rid our wonderful Athens of the masses of Grateful Dead loving bastards is a few gerbil feed bombs. All you need is some gerbil feed, a bag, a jar, some glue, some gasoline, and something to substitute for a fuse. Put it all together, take it to the Swindlefish during a Guest show, add fire, run really fast, and you're guaranteed to take out at least a dozen of the degenerates. Do it a few more times and you'll be making serious dents in the armor of these secretly communist bastards. As if the sheer number of them implied that they had a right to rule this great music scene. Ha! We'll show them.
Getting your own fans is the tough part. Some musicians will suggest that you run around town with flyers, send info to the Athens News, randomly tell people on the street to come to your shows, or play free shows until you get yourself a decent crowd. Others will tell you that making friends with an established band is a good idea, since you can play with them regularly and share their fans. Not a single one of these half-assed ideas will be very effective. A much better idea, if you have a few loyal fans already, is to look into the relatively new cloning technology. You can make a clone by either separating the embryo, taking the cell from a fertilized ovum, or taking cells from parts of the body. The easiest in our situation is going to be the last; the hardest part of all is going to be finding unfertilized women to give birth to all of thse clones. Rest assured, though, you'll have fans. They may end up being very young fans for a while, but at least you'll be prepared for the future.
The problems of Sean Jones -- being a problem all by himself, really -- and poor sound equipment have a single solution. That solution is money. Sean Jones will go away happily if someone gives him a million dollars or two. Sound equipment can also be procured easily with a large amount of cash. But where do we get this cash? Simple. We counterfeit it! All we need to do is figure out what the feds look for in counterfeit money, avoid making the mistakes, and voila! We've got all the money we ever need.
After we bribe Sean Jones to leave the country, purchase a sound system that would make Bob Dewey feel like a small man, and hire talented sound engineers at outrageous hourly wages, we can have the music scene to ourselves and our clone fans. Best of all, there'll be no stinking hippies running around trying to convince us to "play some Dead tunes" or asking us to book ekoostik hookah. Rock will rule Athens once and for all!
Once we have destroyed the hippies, the cover
bands, and Sean Jones, we should christen The Union as the capital and Scott Winland as president. Matt Toledo can be vice-president,
and Juba Moon will no doubt serve some honorable post (she's been trying to
get in on the political thing for quite some time, so I'm sure she'll be pleased).
With myself at the head of the Department of Propaganda, the People's Republic
of Athens Music will undoubtably live a long, prosperous life full of distorted
guitars and off-key vocals. Long live rock! 
I shouldn't have to tell you that this isn't a serious bit of work. I do not think you should blow anything up, nor do I condone the creation of counterfeit money. Cloning is pretty evil, too, so stay away from that. Getting rid of Sean Jones would be just fine with me, though I don't think he's so terrible, really. Go enjoy music, and remember that hippies are people, too.
